FDA Hearing (1991) with Testimony

The incredible but unpredictable pleasure of writing

Oh the joy that comes from being connected to words. Words that flow out of the heart and subconscious into the mind, from there to the fingers, to the keyboard, and finally appear on the monitor of the computer.
As if suctioned out of the heart in one coherent surge.

On the occasions when this joy has come to me I have a vision of myself and the materializing words as being connected by a shimmering thread of ethereal cosmic cytoplasm. This thread, born out of the energy of the mind starts out tentative and tremulous. Gradually it gains in strength to become stronger, surer- drawing energy from the growing multitude of words on the screen; from the increasing coherence of the stream of thought that rings truer and truer until it becomes a veritable bridge pulsating with the flow of words, the flow of thought, the flow of the conscious and the subconscious subterranean wellspring that feeds it all. Magnificent!!
Cathartic.
Rewarding.
But not guaranteed.

Why Blog?

Like other unfinished business this Blog space has begun to worry me. It exists, patient and fidel, waiting for me to turn my attention to it; while I, feeling somewhat helpless, contemplate and discard possible posts. In the meanwhile I visit other blog spots wondering what others write about, cynical and dismissive at times, admiring and awed at others. Sometimes I seek inspiration, at times respite. I confess that there are times when reading what others have written is simply an act of avoidance: avoiding having to write anything on mine.
I feel a bit like a philandering husband who, leaving his long suffering wife at home visits other more colourful, vivacious and intellectually stimulating women!
OMG: such is the habit of the mind, that even a blog spot can induce guilt!

Frankly, in spite of reading a wide variety of personal blogs, I cannot understand the purpose of one. According to me it is just another way of being verbose. another way of being an egotist. Another way of doing what the world is already doing....communicating via a one way street. Sure people post responses, but.... but the joy of communication ( read verbal, read email exchange) is in its dynamism. In the flow of the thought and conversation that is shaped by the other. And then in the way that your conversations shape you! It is evolution. Conversations have the power to transform. Do Blogs?

Striving To Be, Striving To Remain

Does life have to have a purpose?
Recently I have begun to question the importance of contemplating the purpose of my life. It seems indulgent. As if, only if the end is good enough, will I apply myself in the present.
My despair of not knowing what my purpose is, my impatience in wanting to know it, is an attempt to find meaning to be able to carry on living. It seems imperative that only if the conclusion of my life, experiences, learning and action is of some significance, will it be worthwhile.
Or do I mean: ‘will it be considered worthwhile’?

Gradually I have come to be surprised by a new understanding. I have begun to understand that life has to be lived in the waiting. Lived in the waiting. Waiting, emptied of all seeking, and opened therefore to all that can be found along the way. Waiting that is willing to accept the unexpected, the unimagined or the un-coveted.
Waiting then, is my new mantra. I endeavor to empty my life of meaningless actions that stem from external values and create empty days that wait for the goal to be revealed. Days go by without any revelation and yet I know I have to wait, witness, remain in readiness for action and stave off all emotions, especially despair hopelessness, and thoughts that may cloud, even contaminate this state. The goal then, for now, is preparation.

Doing this is like climbing a glass mountain with flip flops.
My determined intent is constantly in conflict with trespasser emotions. Expectations and disappointments, yearning, despair, hope, sadness, hurt, anger take me unawares. Resolute, I wage war against them knowing they will distract me from the wait. Yet, they overpower me and the goal becomes happiness, escape from hurt, reassurance or comfort. Goals that lead me back to the external, away from the source that exists within me. I strive to find a way back to that inner wellspring where intuition and a knowing will lead the way. That is the voice I will pay heed to.

This then is what I am doing. Like the stone that finds its way to the bottom of the lake effortlessly, by just being itself, I need to remain myself and trust that I will be guided to my destiny. Myself and remaining. In those two words lies all my action. And in the waiting…..

stepping in stepping out

My first blog. Words like leaves sent into space. May they fall where they will.