Striving To Be, Striving To Remain

Does life have to have a purpose?
Recently I have begun to question the importance of contemplating the purpose of my life. It seems indulgent. As if, only if the end is good enough, will I apply myself in the present.
My despair of not knowing what my purpose is, my impatience in wanting to know it, is an attempt to find meaning to be able to carry on living. It seems imperative that only if the conclusion of my life, experiences, learning and action is of some significance, will it be worthwhile.
Or do I mean: ‘will it be considered worthwhile’?

Gradually I have come to be surprised by a new understanding. I have begun to understand that life has to be lived in the waiting. Lived in the waiting. Waiting, emptied of all seeking, and opened therefore to all that can be found along the way. Waiting that is willing to accept the unexpected, the unimagined or the un-coveted.
Waiting then, is my new mantra. I endeavor to empty my life of meaningless actions that stem from external values and create empty days that wait for the goal to be revealed. Days go by without any revelation and yet I know I have to wait, witness, remain in readiness for action and stave off all emotions, especially despair hopelessness, and thoughts that may cloud, even contaminate this state. The goal then, for now, is preparation.

Doing this is like climbing a glass mountain with flip flops.
My determined intent is constantly in conflict with trespasser emotions. Expectations and disappointments, yearning, despair, hope, sadness, hurt, anger take me unawares. Resolute, I wage war against them knowing they will distract me from the wait. Yet, they overpower me and the goal becomes happiness, escape from hurt, reassurance or comfort. Goals that lead me back to the external, away from the source that exists within me. I strive to find a way back to that inner wellspring where intuition and a knowing will lead the way. That is the voice I will pay heed to.

This then is what I am doing. Like the stone that finds its way to the bottom of the lake effortlessly, by just being itself, I need to remain myself and trust that I will be guided to my destiny. Myself and remaining. In those two words lies all my action. And in the waiting…..