Who Seeks?

I have been thinking about an old adage- If you want something really badly the universe conspires to make it happen?
For what seems an eternity, if eternity can be collapsed into a few months or years- I have sought. Ignorance and conditioning made me think I sought happiness. Later peripheral knowledge of my subject convinced me I sought freedom from destructive patterns of behavior. Burgeoning self efficacy pointed me in the direction of self actualization. But...why did, none of that feel right?

The closest I came to comfort was when I decided that I had to find a life purpose, something that wove all my efforts together, something bigger than myself, a mission that would consume me. If not then the fire of this terrible, impatient inner yearning would consume me instead. Can life force be so destructive? Can we create something larger than ourselves only through self annihilation? To stand paralysed on the threshold of impending change or impending disaster for what seems like forever is erosion. Not slow or insidious but a certain, strong, relentless incineration of the self.

But what paralysed me connects to some of the answers I recieved. The questions I had- What was my life purpose and what did I have to do to achieve it? The answer I took back – it will be revealed, in its own time.
Ah the relief of the thought! To be able to replace the compulsion to do, frantic efforts to work at making it happen, can all be replaced by preparation! Preparing my mind and my self to become a better receptacle.

There are some changes I knew I had to make. To be less egoistic, to be humbler. To think with positivism, to feel less dependant, to be less moved to fear and anger, to be moved with rightful anger, feel the miracle of littler things, to be comfortable with silence and emptiness. To know how to distinguish between principal and secondary greatness, to not expect. Did I not know I had to do all of this? When was I hoping to do them?

This then is my plan of action. Greater control and mastery instead of a desperate seeking, inward action instead of outward. Actively seeking self awareness instead of self actualization. And of course asking many, many many, times a day, the eternal question…………who seeks?